I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
tequila makes me forget i have legs
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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