Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
