I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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