i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
