I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
