listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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