im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
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We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
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I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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