I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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