I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
