That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
