If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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