you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
