If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
