happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
