Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
