I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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