I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
