got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
