Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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