y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
