sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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