I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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