someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i will never coherently bang her
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Of course I have a pirate flag
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
