Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
