It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
