I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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