i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
