i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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