Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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