Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
