it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize