Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have already put on my inside pants.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
