if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
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When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
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There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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