atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Hippo gnu deer
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
