Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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