he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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