I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
