Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
