ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
