My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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