the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
