oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
