Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
