My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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