How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
