I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
