Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
