saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
