Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
