got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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