Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
