$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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