I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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