Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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