Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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