So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
