The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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