Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
