chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
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I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
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This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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